Esther 4:14

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14)

This morning, I sat down with my homemade vanilla latte and my Bible, not sure what I was going to read. My Bible fell open to this verse (Normally it falls open in Isaiah, I might add), and the words pierced me.

If you decide to stay silent, then someone else will speak truth. But you were placed where you are for a reason.

Or, as my heart heard,

If you don't do what I (God) have put you in your position to do, I'll just find someone else who will.

Ouch.

It got me thinking about where I am placed. The situations I have opportunities to speak into. They're multiplying this semester. People that I have not searched out that have come to me and opened the door for me to speak. People with hard questions, in hard situations, with hard answers.

It's just hard.

Who am I to speak up? I'm only a child. I don't have the answers. I don't know how to reach into these situations and bring hope? Why even choose me?

But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I commands you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you." declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth." (Jeremiah 1:7-9)

This verse gives me so much courage. It reminds me that it is not me speaking into the lives of those who open doors for me, but that it is the Spirit speaking through me.

I am only his candle. Have your way in me.

Questions asked: Free will vs Sovereignty

"I get frustrated with the whole freewill vs sovereignty thing and stuff. I want to believe it, it seems to be true, but I don't fully believe it."

Way to get deep, my friend. Love deep questions. Deep questions make me happy.

In short, there is no short. There are whole books about this. Here's my attempt at short. Yay questions!

~

Merriam Webster defines "Free will" as "voluntary; spontaneous".

In Genesis 3, we see this concept clearly illustrated as Eve voluntarily decides to disobey. She had free will, and she used it to sin. Throughout the Bible, we see that man has a choice to obey or disobey God.

Merriam Webster defines "Sovereignty" as "having absolute power over"

1 Chronicles 29:11-12 says, "Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all."

As A.W. Tozer wrote so eloquently, "Even to discuss the authority of Almighty God seems a bit meaningless, and to question it would be absurd. Can we imagine the Lord God of Hosts having to request permission of anyone or to apply for anything to a higher body? To whom would God go for permission? Who is higher than the Highest? Who is mightier than the Almighty? Whose position antedates that of the Eternal? At whose throne would God kneel? Where is the greater one to whom He must appeal?" Tozer, A.W. (2012-08-12). The Knowledge of the Holy (p. 109). Fig. Kindle Edition.

The question asked is, in it's simplicity, "How does man's free will and God's sovereignty coexist?"

A.W. Tozer also asked this question: "Another real problem created by the doctrine of the divine sovereignty has to do with the will of man. If God rules His universe by His sovereign decrees, how is it possible for man to exercise free choice? And if he can not exercise freedom of choice, how can he be held responsible for his conduct? Is he not a mere puppet whose actions are determined by a behind-the-scenes God who pulls the strings as it pleases Him?"  Tozer, A.W. (2012-08-12). The Knowledge of the Holy (p. 110). Fig. Kindle Edition.

He continues to explain that there has become two camps of thought on this issue, based on the works of theologians Jacobus Arminius and John Calvin. This is often called the Calvinist–Arminian debate.

Calvinist states that, "God appointed the eternal destiny of some to salvation by grace, while leaving the remainder to receive eternal damnation for all their sins, even their original sin. The former is called "unconditional election", and the latter "reprobation". In Calvinism, people are predestined and effectually called in due time (regenerated/born again) to faith by God." Quote from Wikipedia

On the contrary, "Arminius taught that Calvinist predestination and unconditional election made God the author of evil. Instead, Arminius insisted, God's election was an election of believers and therefore was conditioned on faith. Furthermore, Arminius argued, God's exhaustive foreknowledge did not require a doctrine of determinism." Quote from Wikipedia

With the knowledge that this has been a debate since the early 17th century, we can see that this is no easy question to answer. The Bible is not explicitly clear on which view is "correct".

That being said, I identify closer to the Arminian view. However, as a creature bound by time, I don't know that man can truly gasp either side of this discussion fully. How an an un-sovereign man understand a sovereign God? How can we begin to grasp how much free will we have without being able to see what we don't have control over?

To quote Doctor Who, "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff." So in your considerations, remember that our God is the God of time; he created time and is therefore unbound by time.

As much as I don't know, I do know this: God is infinitely good. God is infinitely more good than I could ever be or ever understand. And so, even though I don't understand completely, I do understand that whichever situation is correct, I know that it's good.

~

So, my friend. It's a very basic explanation that basically just said, "I don't think anyone truly knows." But I hope it lets you see that there's two views. Perhaps that makes the issue more confusing, perhaps it adds a dimension to your thoughts.

I recommend you read "Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Tozer. He writes about the qualities of God and I think will answer a lot of your questions. I will see you soon, friend, and we'll talk more then.

A Feather on the Breath of God

I've always loved that phrase. It makes me think. It makes me happy.

I'm just a little feather on the breath of a big God.

(Also makes me happy 'cause Hildegard of Bingen first said it and I just studied her in my Music Literature class. Yay for studying without trying!)

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2 Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3 They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (Acts 2:1-4)

"A sound like the blowing of a violent wind", huh? Sounds like a completely terrifying place for a little feather. How can a little feather do anything to resist a "violent wind".

Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: “Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say. (Acts 2:14)

Peter stood up?!? In Luke 24, it says that the disciples were "startled and frightened" to see the risen Jesus! What's this Peter guy doing?!? How could he ever have that much courage to speak?!?

There's no way possible... Unless he's a little feather too. A little feather on the breath of God.

(Here is where you go read verses 15-36, 'cause they're awesome. But I shall not post, because I want to get on to verse 37...)

When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” (Acts 2:37)

Woah. I mean, this Peter guy just made these guys think. Was it that good of a sermon? *reads again* What's his secret?

Oh wait, that's right... Peter's just a little feather on the breath of a big God. This isn't about Peter. Peter's words did nothing. The Spirit's words did everything.

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39 The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.” (Acts 2:38-29)

We will receive the Holy Spirit? We will be filled with the power of God? We shall be swept along with the rushing wind? Could the power that raised Jesus from the dead... the power that brought Peter to courage... Could that be in me?

*dances with joy because God*

I'm a little feather on the breath of God, and God's been changing me. A lot. I don't recognize myself sometimes. I feel like a different person.

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. 6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. 7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. (John 3:5-8)

Spirit, blow your violent wind through my campus, through my town, and through my world! Sweep us up to do your will, to dance like little feathers on the breath of God. May everyone see the glorious  works of your hands in our lives. May we experience revival!

Blow, oh violent wind! This little feather is ready!

Of Testing and Servanthood

One time, less than 2 years ago, I had the thought... "If I were to die tomorrow, how would I desire to be remembered." 

I knew I didn't want to be remembered as the girl who was really good at violin. I didn't want my legacy to be simply my music. I wanted to be remembered as something more. After considering it for awhile, I found my answer. I knew it was right because I wanted it so passionately I cried.

I wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave herself away. I wanted to be the one who would serve with everything she had until she had nothing left to give. 

Over the years, I've been given many opportunities to serve. I find so much joy in serving. I truly don't mind doing whatever needs to be done. God has given me the gift of truly loving to serve. I am very thankful for it, and look forward to seeing where God leads me with it.

Over the summer I've been pouring myself out in service. Dishes, cooking, printing, running, laundry... Anything. And I've loved it. 

Today, I went up to our BSM and basically said, "I'm here. I can do whatever." What suprises could there be? 

I ended up in a bathroom I didn't know existed with a cart full of cleaning supplies. Which, having had cleaned bathrooms at my former church since I was 8, was an oddly familiar position.

I ended by sweeping up, and I decided to sweep up the room it was attached to as well. I'm happily singing and sweeping like a Disney princess or something, when suddenly...

Spiders.

Everywhere.

I hate spiders. I really hate spiders.

I looked closer. Webs. Egg sacks. Spiders. All over. Basically my worst nightmare.

(Correct that, snakes would have been worse.)

Deep breath, Emily. You said you'd clean the bathroom. Someone's gonna have to deal with these spiders. You can do it. *goes to BSM staff* "Ummm... There's a spider infestation in that room... Do we have something to kill them?"

I returned to the room with a bottle of bleach and a warning not to get it on my clothes. We didn't know if it would kill them, but hey it's worth a try. So I doused the room in bleach.

The staff then suggested that maybe I try opening the the exterior door in that room and sweep them out. Sounds good. I'll get the dead roaches while I'm doing it too.

*sweep sweep* *try not to freak out* *sing a worship song because I needed to do something with my mind* *knock egg sacks off the wall with broom and sweep those out too*

5ish minutes later I left the now clean room with the strangest thought in my mind...

"Will you serve me when spiders are involved? When you're afraid?"

So I assume today was a test from God about whether I would serve him when it involved my fears. 

Today, I served God through spiders. Hopefully now dead spiders. 

Tomorrow, well, I will serve God.

(After doing some research tonight, I've come to the conclusion that they were brown recluse. Really freaking out. Like, I don't know that I can sleep because I keep feeling spiders on me.)

Romans 2:1-4

 (I'm aware I skipped a passage. I have it written, but I also don't want to start an internet debate. If you would like to read it, I would be more than happy to send it to you; just leave me a comment!)

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Ohhhhhhhh... Paul's getting tough now. Slightly sassy.

God has revealed to me the extent of friendly fire within the church over this past year. I have begun to recognize that we have allowed this sin to multiply among us without restraint. And God used a very unique way to reveal this to me.

Her name is Rylee.

Rylee is unlike anyone I've ever met. I met her through Cru. She's a bit of a hippy, loves her tattoos and piercings, and is vegan/vegetarian. She has different opinions on politics and different standards of clothing and makeup choices. Honestly, at first, I was a bit uneasy around her because she wasn't the picture of the "good" Christian girl that's been painted before me. She was different than me. The temptation was to pass judgement on her simply because of how she appeared.

And yet, she's now one of my closest "heart friends", who I can feel completely safe and comfortable pouring out all my issues too. I don't have to be perfect around her. I know that I can message her at 2am with my heart burdened (and know that she'll still be awake 'cause I don't think she ever actually sleeps :P) With her, there is no judgement and no pointing fingers.

We get together and eat vegan pasta and cookies and watch Charlie Brown Christmas shows on Netflix and go buy cheap clothes at used clothing stores. We talk freely without fear of having judgement passed between us. I can confess my struggles (and even areas of sin) and know that she will stand with me to help and encourage me in conquering them.

If only all relationships were that way.

Sadly, not all relationships are like that. There are many people that I don't feel free to talk to because I'm afraid that a finger will be pointed at me, telling me how wrong I am to have a problem. There have been many times within my faith community where I have felt like I needed to pretend I was someone else out of fear of judgement.

I know that on many occasions, I have been the one doing the judging, and I am guilty of this as much as anyone else. But it HAS to stop! We cannot continue letting our churches be a place of fear!

A friend and I once discussed that the darkest places in our lives, the ones Satan targets the most, are the areas we are most afraid to talk about. To admit that one struggles with ______ is to allow the other person an opportunity to judge you. From personal experience, I know that this makes the problem so many times worse!

Do we forget, as Paul writes, "the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience"? Have we forgotten grace? Oh Father, may you bring us to a place where we love as you have!

In a world without judgement, there would be pure open community, rather than pretending. There would be Biblical confrontation of sins, rather than gossip. There would be many fewer issues, because fear would not keep us from seeking uplifting companionship. It would be beautiful.

Let's stop the friendly fire.

The Mission - part 2

My time in Nashville climaxed with the arrival of the Fine Arts Summer Academy. This was my first year to be a "mentor" (basically, mini-faculty). I also have a newly found respect for coffee.

In the 2 days right before FASA began, I found myself in the music library of the college with a giant printer (we named it Sven), a dropbox account packed with sheet music, a bunch of un-assembled name tags, and like 200+ meal cards. And a guy named Cole who volunteered his time. And a slice of oreo cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.

Somehow, over those 2 days, I managed to get only about 4 hours of sleep each night. Registration day came and I handed out the *multitude* of sheet music I had just printed the days before.

Somehow I ended up a unofficial official music librarian for the rest of camp.

27,000+ pieces of paper, not near enough sleep, a twisted ankle, and a happy heart later...

I've printed portrait, landscape, enlarged, reduced, letter, legal, double sided, stapled, hole punched, copied, scanned, pdf, mux, word, pages, mac, pc... replaced the toner, called tech support (twice), cleared at least 2 paper jams, and practically trained for a marathon delivering music to the jazz band.

During my time, I got a chance to build relationships with almost everyone at camp. Were they the deep, life-changing, future-biblical-counselor relationships? Not yet. But the relationships were built on a foundation of service, and I pray that the foundations will provide for beautiful friendships in future years.

One of the most special moments was taking 4 10-13 year olds for popscicles and spending an hour listening to the sweet childhood thoughts. Now, hopefully, those 4 little girls (plus the ones we managed to pick up along the way just for fellowship) know that there's someone out there they can turn to. I love those girls, and I am so thankful for their cheerful companionship. And the coffee they brought me. :P

Another beautiful, unexpected moment happened when I ended up teaching 5 private lessons. Some of private lessons were simply lessons, where hopefully I was able to impart some violin wisdom to the kids. Other lessons, though, ended of being more. A few of the girls I taught were very talented girls... who didn't believe that they really did know how to play. I found myself teaching them, not something new, but that they really did know how to do the techniques they were struggling with. It seems so simple, yet to hear the difference by the end of the lesson was truly incredible.

I arrived home physically sick and exhausted, and I slept for 12 hours the night after FASA, just to sleep almost all day in the car the drive home. I don't know that I've every worked harder day in and day out in my life. My payment? A full heart and a bunch of facebook friend requests.

This was my mission trip. It was perfectly designed just for who I am, and I can't imagine any other way of spending my summer. I wouldn't change a thing about my FASA, and I can't wait until next year.

A Mission of God's Own Design

I planned a vacation for myself. I would go and stay with friends in Tennessee for a few weeks before music camp. It would be awesome. I'd explore Tennessee with my friends and have an nice relaxing time. I would read books and drink tea and have fun.

However, God revealed to me that he had bigger plans for my summer. As it says in Isaiah, 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:8-12 NIV)

And so, departing for Tennessee, I came to the mindset that this was a mission trip of God's making, for God's purposes and of God's design. He would do with me what he wills.

I spent a little over a week in a lovely time of fellowship with my "big sister". Over my time with her, I learned so much about the reality of spiritual warfare (more on that at a later date) and oh so much about God's divine power. When I got on a little 9-passenger plane to Nashville, I was certain that I was about to do something completely AWESOME. I was going to make a huge difference! I was equipped to do great things for God! I didn't know what, but I knew I was 

I've been here for over a week and a half now. I'm living in a house with 11-15+ people in it at any given time. I've washed made meals and washed dishes for said large number of people. I've swept floors and done laundry. I've babysat kids and rocked screaming babies and pushed toddlers in strollers what felt like miles to sooth them. I've swept floors and washed sinks and counters. I've made coffee and tea and delivered it all throughout the house. I've chaised rabbits out of the recording studio (just roll with it ;) )

My current mission isn't glamorous. It's not fancy. It's not earth shattering, power releasing action like I expected.

And yet, how could I be more like Christ?

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. (John 13:12-16 NIV)

Indeed, though my tasks are humble in the grand picture of life, my simple tasks are grand. For I am getting to be like Christ. I am not here to be served, but to serve. 

And what joy in the simple tasks is to be found! Is not the beautiful community of the dinner table worth the hours spent to prepare it? Is not loading the dishwasher a lovely time to ponder life? Is there not love found in service? Is there not a lovelier feeling then to play with a young child, or to enjoy the company of a grandma (or two)? Is making people smile not worth the time taken to make coffee?

For how can I love if I am not loving how Christ loved, and how can I love as he did without serving?

Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:26-28 NIV)

So, I find great peace and joy in my task of washing dishes. Is this the mission that God planned for me? Is his grand orchestration of life for me to be in Nashville cooking large meals for this season?

Yes, it is. Maybe there's more coming, maybe not. And, my friends, either way would be enough. For nothing can be more important then what God has planned, not anything I could imagine. My joy is from God, who loves through me by pouring love into me. 

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this - my mission is to follow God, wherever and however that might be. 

And so, I accept my mission and gladly go start the dishwasher.

(P.S. Households of 15 go through way more food and way more dishes than I ever imagined possible. Just saying.)

(P.P.S. I love the person who invented paper plates. I really do.)