Of Testing and Servanthood

One time, less than 2 years ago, I had the thought... "If I were to die tomorrow, how would I desire to be remembered." 

I knew I didn't want to be remembered as the girl who was really good at violin. I didn't want my legacy to be simply my music. I wanted to be remembered as something more. After considering it for awhile, I found my answer. I knew it was right because I wanted it so passionately I cried.

I wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave herself away. I wanted to be the one who would serve with everything she had until she had nothing left to give. 

Over the years, I've been given many opportunities to serve. I find so much joy in serving. I truly don't mind doing whatever needs to be done. God has given me the gift of truly loving to serve. I am very thankful for it, and look forward to seeing where God leads me with it.

Over the summer I've been pouring myself out in service. Dishes, cooking, printing, running, laundry... Anything. And I've loved it. 

Today, I went up to our BSM and basically said, "I'm here. I can do whatever." What suprises could there be? 

I ended up in a bathroom I didn't know existed with a cart full of cleaning supplies. Which, having had cleaned bathrooms at my former church since I was 8, was an oddly familiar position.

I ended by sweeping up, and I decided to sweep up the room it was attached to as well. I'm happily singing and sweeping like a Disney princess or something, when suddenly...

Spiders.

Everywhere.

I hate spiders. I really hate spiders.

I looked closer. Webs. Egg sacks. Spiders. All over. Basically my worst nightmare.

(Correct that, snakes would have been worse.)

Deep breath, Emily. You said you'd clean the bathroom. Someone's gonna have to deal with these spiders. You can do it. *goes to BSM staff* "Ummm... There's a spider infestation in that room... Do we have something to kill them?"

I returned to the room with a bottle of bleach and a warning not to get it on my clothes. We didn't know if it would kill them, but hey it's worth a try. So I doused the room in bleach.

The staff then suggested that maybe I try opening the the exterior door in that room and sweep them out. Sounds good. I'll get the dead roaches while I'm doing it too.

*sweep sweep* *try not to freak out* *sing a worship song because I needed to do something with my mind* *knock egg sacks off the wall with broom and sweep those out too*

5ish minutes later I left the now clean room with the strangest thought in my mind...

"Will you serve me when spiders are involved? When you're afraid?"

So I assume today was a test from God about whether I would serve him when it involved my fears. 

Today, I served God through spiders. Hopefully now dead spiders. 

Tomorrow, well, I will serve God.

(After doing some research tonight, I've come to the conclusion that they were brown recluse. Really freaking out. Like, I don't know that I can sleep because I keep feeling spiders on me.)

Romans 2:1-4

 (I'm aware I skipped a passage. I have it written, but I also don't want to start an internet debate. If you would like to read it, I would be more than happy to send it to you; just leave me a comment!)

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Ohhhhhhhh... Paul's getting tough now. Slightly sassy.

God has revealed to me the extent of friendly fire within the church over this past year. I have begun to recognize that we have allowed this sin to multiply among us without restraint. And God used a very unique way to reveal this to me.

Her name is Rylee.

Rylee is unlike anyone I've ever met. I met her through Cru. She's a bit of a hippy, loves her tattoos and piercings, and is vegan/vegetarian. She has different opinions on politics and different standards of clothing and makeup choices. Honestly, at first, I was a bit uneasy around her because she wasn't the picture of the "good" Christian girl that's been painted before me. She was different than me. The temptation was to pass judgement on her simply because of how she appeared.

And yet, she's now one of my closest "heart friends", who I can feel completely safe and comfortable pouring out all my issues too. I don't have to be perfect around her. I know that I can message her at 2am with my heart burdened (and know that she'll still be awake 'cause I don't think she ever actually sleeps :P) With her, there is no judgement and no pointing fingers.

We get together and eat vegan pasta and cookies and watch Charlie Brown Christmas shows on Netflix and go buy cheap clothes at used clothing stores. We talk freely without fear of having judgement passed between us. I can confess my struggles (and even areas of sin) and know that she will stand with me to help and encourage me in conquering them.

If only all relationships were that way.

Sadly, not all relationships are like that. There are many people that I don't feel free to talk to because I'm afraid that a finger will be pointed at me, telling me how wrong I am to have a problem. There have been many times within my faith community where I have felt like I needed to pretend I was someone else out of fear of judgement.

I know that on many occasions, I have been the one doing the judging, and I am guilty of this as much as anyone else. But it HAS to stop! We cannot continue letting our churches be a place of fear!

A friend and I once discussed that the darkest places in our lives, the ones Satan targets the most, are the areas we are most afraid to talk about. To admit that one struggles with ______ is to allow the other person an opportunity to judge you. From personal experience, I know that this makes the problem so many times worse!

Do we forget, as Paul writes, "the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience"? Have we forgotten grace? Oh Father, may you bring us to a place where we love as you have!

In a world without judgement, there would be pure open community, rather than pretending. There would be Biblical confrontation of sins, rather than gossip. There would be many fewer issues, because fear would not keep us from seeking uplifting companionship. It would be beautiful.

Let's stop the friendly fire.