I'm Not Okay With This

Dear everyone,

I have something to say.

Our culture is killing our children.

This weekend, I worked at a D-Now at a friend's church. I was assigned to the Blue Team (Deja Blue!!! We rocked!!!), and I had 9 8th grade girls at my host home. We had fun. We learned about the Gospel. Kids came to know Christ. It was amazing.

Over the weekend, I also had to refer two girls for further counseling to the main ministry staff.

Depression.

Self harm.

Suicide.

We're talking about 13 year old girls here. Beautiful 13 year old girls who desire to end their lives. Smart middle school kids who take a knife to their skin to get through the day. Children who have already seen so much hurt and pain and sorrow, and have no reason to keep going. 

I'm not okay with this.

Many of you know the story of how God rescued me from my own depression and self harm. The story of how it shaped my identity and changed me to the core. The story of how I would not change a day of my depression because I see how God can use my story to influence others.

I thank God for my struggles. I thank God for the anxiety and the tears and the long nights and morning that seemed to never come. I thank God for the fear and shame and pain and hurt.

That said, I'm not okay with the rising statistics.

According to statistics from 2011:

• 40% of kids attempting suicide made their first suicide attempt in elementary or middle school.
• 1 in 9 kids attempt suicide by the time they graduate high school.
• Suicide rates rise quickly at 6th grade, and peak about 2 years later.
• The average age of students who have attempted suicide multiple times made their first attempt around 3rd grade.

Take a second and read those statistics again. Let that sink in. Realize the implications of this.

Realize that those statistics are from 2011. It's 2015, people.

It's not hard to see that the statistics on the rise.

And that's just suicide.

Although self-harmers are at an increased risk for attempting/committing suicide, they are NOT the same thing. 

Self-harm is defined by an intentional injury to one's own body for with non-leathal intentions. Cutting, burning, snapping with a rubber band... the list is long and the options are many. Cutting is probably the most known, but is not the only option.

I'm not okay with this. And I want to make a difference.

Today, March 1st, is National Self Harm Awareness Day.

I'm asking you to join me in trying to make a difference.

Not by doing, but by being.

By showing love.

By caring.

By knowing.

By deciding that it's not okay.

Maybe you know someone who struggles with either of these very closely related issues.

Maybe you can make a difference.

- Emily -

When Life Gives You Lemons... Dayenu.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a corn allergy. So I started avoiding whole corn. Corn chips, popcorn, corn tortillas... I just stayed away from them. If I ate some, I would get a bit itchy. No big deal.

Except that I now react more sensitively. Avoiding visible corn is no longer enough. I now am avoiding all derivatives of corn in ingredients and packaging.

"Yeah, there's a lot of stuff with corn." You say.

No. There is not "a lot" of stuff with corn. Literally every processed food is corn. And if you think produce is safe, think again; it's processed too. So is coffee. I miss coffee. I also react to shampoo, conditioner, makeup, hand sanitizer, etc. because they have corn in it. I had an airborne reaction to crackers the other day. For goodness sake, I react to Dansani bottled water. How pitiful is that.

For awhile, I was reacting with dermatitis reactions; random patches of itchy bumps on my skin. But that's changing.

I spent my day first at the doctor, then at the ER. My face was swollen. First my eyes, then the swelling started moving down my face until my lips were puffy. I was honestly worried that I was having an anaphylactic reaction.

"Man," one guy said to me, "I mean, everyone is complaining that the struggle is real today... but you really have a reason to say it."

Two shots later, I'm home and feeling close to my normal self. I've got more doctors appointments set up and hopefully we'll be able to get to the root of the issue.

But that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing because this isn't my plan. It's God's. As much as I feel like I complain about not being able to go get Starbucks ( :'( ) or grab fast food, I trust my Savior.

God brought to mind the word Dayenu today. "It would have been enough." The word is a part of the Passover Sader, where a song of praise is sung to God.

"You alone would have been enough, and yet you went beyond that." It says. "I would have been content with you, and yet you blessed me in abundance." (Paraphrased)

I'm counting my blessings tonight.

I'm praising God that it was not anaphylactic.
I'm praising God that I'm alive and feeling better.
I'm praising God that I had access to medical treatment.
I'm praising God for doctors who took my corn allergy seriously and actually read labels on medications before giving them to me.
I'm praising God that I have professors who tell me to skip class to go to the ER.
I'm praising God for family that cares for me.
I'm praising God for friends who pray for me.
I'm praising God for my community of believers who purposed to check on me and show me they cared in so many many ways and made me feel so loved.
I'm praising God for random music building friends who text me to let me know that they care.

And yet, if God had chose for me not to receive those blessings, Dayenu.

He is God. He is everything. He already demonstrated the depth of his love to me by saving me from certain eternal death. 

I praise him for blessing me today. But my praise is not conditional on his blessing. How can it be? He has forgiven a debt I could never pay; why would I be upset that he didn't do more?

So next time life gives you lemons, forget lemonade. Dayenu. God is enough.


Romans 14:7-9 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

Esther 4:14

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14)

This morning, I sat down with my homemade vanilla latte and my Bible, not sure what I was going to read. My Bible fell open to this verse (Normally it falls open in Isaiah, I might add), and the words pierced me.

If you decide to stay silent, then someone else will speak truth. But you were placed where you are for a reason.

Or, as my heart heard,

If you don't do what I (God) have put you in your position to do, I'll just find someone else who will.

Ouch.

It got me thinking about where I am placed. The situations I have opportunities to speak into. They're multiplying this semester. People that I have not searched out that have come to me and opened the door for me to speak. People with hard questions, in hard situations, with hard answers.

It's just hard.

Who am I to speak up? I'm only a child. I don't have the answers. I don't know how to reach into these situations and bring hope? Why even choose me?

But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I commands you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you." declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth." (Jeremiah 1:7-9)

This verse gives me so much courage. It reminds me that it is not me speaking into the lives of those who open doors for me, but that it is the Spirit speaking through me.

I am only his candle. Have your way in me.

Questions asked: Free will vs Sovereignty

"I get frustrated with the whole freewill vs sovereignty thing and stuff. I want to believe it, it seems to be true, but I don't fully believe it."

Way to get deep, my friend. Love deep questions. Deep questions make me happy.

In short, there is no short. There are whole books about this. Here's my attempt at short. Yay questions!

~

Merriam Webster defines "Free will" as "voluntary; spontaneous".

In Genesis 3, we see this concept clearly illustrated as Eve voluntarily decides to disobey. She had free will, and she used it to sin. Throughout the Bible, we see that man has a choice to obey or disobey God.

Merriam Webster defines "Sovereignty" as "having absolute power over"

1 Chronicles 29:11-12 says, "Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all."

As A.W. Tozer wrote so eloquently, "Even to discuss the authority of Almighty God seems a bit meaningless, and to question it would be absurd. Can we imagine the Lord God of Hosts having to request permission of anyone or to apply for anything to a higher body? To whom would God go for permission? Who is higher than the Highest? Who is mightier than the Almighty? Whose position antedates that of the Eternal? At whose throne would God kneel? Where is the greater one to whom He must appeal?" Tozer, A.W. (2012-08-12). The Knowledge of the Holy (p. 109). Fig. Kindle Edition.

The question asked is, in it's simplicity, "How does man's free will and God's sovereignty coexist?"

A.W. Tozer also asked this question: "Another real problem created by the doctrine of the divine sovereignty has to do with the will of man. If God rules His universe by His sovereign decrees, how is it possible for man to exercise free choice? And if he can not exercise freedom of choice, how can he be held responsible for his conduct? Is he not a mere puppet whose actions are determined by a behind-the-scenes God who pulls the strings as it pleases Him?"  Tozer, A.W. (2012-08-12). The Knowledge of the Holy (p. 110). Fig. Kindle Edition.

He continues to explain that there has become two camps of thought on this issue, based on the works of theologians Jacobus Arminius and John Calvin. This is often called the Calvinist–Arminian debate.

Calvinist states that, "God appointed the eternal destiny of some to salvation by grace, while leaving the remainder to receive eternal damnation for all their sins, even their original sin. The former is called "unconditional election", and the latter "reprobation". In Calvinism, people are predestined and effectually called in due time (regenerated/born again) to faith by God." Quote from Wikipedia

On the contrary, "Arminius taught that Calvinist predestination and unconditional election made God the author of evil. Instead, Arminius insisted, God's election was an election of believers and therefore was conditioned on faith. Furthermore, Arminius argued, God's exhaustive foreknowledge did not require a doctrine of determinism." Quote from Wikipedia

With the knowledge that this has been a debate since the early 17th century, we can see that this is no easy question to answer. The Bible is not explicitly clear on which view is "correct".

That being said, I identify closer to the Arminian view. However, as a creature bound by time, I don't know that man can truly gasp either side of this discussion fully. How an an un-sovereign man understand a sovereign God? How can we begin to grasp how much free will we have without being able to see what we don't have control over?

To quote Doctor Who, "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff." So in your considerations, remember that our God is the God of time; he created time and is therefore unbound by time.

As much as I don't know, I do know this: God is infinitely good. God is infinitely more good than I could ever be or ever understand. And so, even though I don't understand completely, I do understand that whichever situation is correct, I know that it's good.

~

So, my friend. It's a very basic explanation that basically just said, "I don't think anyone truly knows." But I hope it lets you see that there's two views. Perhaps that makes the issue more confusing, perhaps it adds a dimension to your thoughts.

I recommend you read "Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Tozer. He writes about the qualities of God and I think will answer a lot of your questions. I will see you soon, friend, and we'll talk more then.

A Feather on the Breath of God

I've always loved that phrase. It makes me think. It makes me happy.

I'm just a little feather on the breath of a big God.

(Also makes me happy 'cause Hildegard of Bingen first said it and I just studied her in my Music Literature class. Yay for studying without trying!)

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2 Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3 They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (Acts 2:1-4)

"A sound like the blowing of a violent wind", huh? Sounds like a completely terrifying place for a little feather. How can a little feather do anything to resist a "violent wind".

Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: “Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say. (Acts 2:14)

Peter stood up?!? In Luke 24, it says that the disciples were "startled and frightened" to see the risen Jesus! What's this Peter guy doing?!? How could he ever have that much courage to speak?!?

There's no way possible... Unless he's a little feather too. A little feather on the breath of God.

(Here is where you go read verses 15-36, 'cause they're awesome. But I shall not post, because I want to get on to verse 37...)

When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” (Acts 2:37)

Woah. I mean, this Peter guy just made these guys think. Was it that good of a sermon? *reads again* What's his secret?

Oh wait, that's right... Peter's just a little feather on the breath of a big God. This isn't about Peter. Peter's words did nothing. The Spirit's words did everything.

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39 The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.” (Acts 2:38-29)

We will receive the Holy Spirit? We will be filled with the power of God? We shall be swept along with the rushing wind? Could the power that raised Jesus from the dead... the power that brought Peter to courage... Could that be in me?

*dances with joy because God*

I'm a little feather on the breath of God, and God's been changing me. A lot. I don't recognize myself sometimes. I feel like a different person.

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. 6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. 7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. (John 3:5-8)

Spirit, blow your violent wind through my campus, through my town, and through my world! Sweep us up to do your will, to dance like little feathers on the breath of God. May everyone see the glorious  works of your hands in our lives. May we experience revival!

Blow, oh violent wind! This little feather is ready!

Of Testing and Servanthood

One time, less than 2 years ago, I had the thought... "If I were to die tomorrow, how would I desire to be remembered." 

I knew I didn't want to be remembered as the girl who was really good at violin. I didn't want my legacy to be simply my music. I wanted to be remembered as something more. After considering it for awhile, I found my answer. I knew it was right because I wanted it so passionately I cried.

I wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave herself away. I wanted to be the one who would serve with everything she had until she had nothing left to give. 

Over the years, I've been given many opportunities to serve. I find so much joy in serving. I truly don't mind doing whatever needs to be done. God has given me the gift of truly loving to serve. I am very thankful for it, and look forward to seeing where God leads me with it.

Over the summer I've been pouring myself out in service. Dishes, cooking, printing, running, laundry... Anything. And I've loved it. 

Today, I went up to our BSM and basically said, "I'm here. I can do whatever." What suprises could there be? 

I ended up in a bathroom I didn't know existed with a cart full of cleaning supplies. Which, having had cleaned bathrooms at my former church since I was 8, was an oddly familiar position.

I ended by sweeping up, and I decided to sweep up the room it was attached to as well. I'm happily singing and sweeping like a Disney princess or something, when suddenly...

Spiders.

Everywhere.

I hate spiders. I really hate spiders.

I looked closer. Webs. Egg sacks. Spiders. All over. Basically my worst nightmare.

(Correct that, snakes would have been worse.)

Deep breath, Emily. You said you'd clean the bathroom. Someone's gonna have to deal with these spiders. You can do it. *goes to BSM staff* "Ummm... There's a spider infestation in that room... Do we have something to kill them?"

I returned to the room with a bottle of bleach and a warning not to get it on my clothes. We didn't know if it would kill them, but hey it's worth a try. So I doused the room in bleach.

The staff then suggested that maybe I try opening the the exterior door in that room and sweep them out. Sounds good. I'll get the dead roaches while I'm doing it too.

*sweep sweep* *try not to freak out* *sing a worship song because I needed to do something with my mind* *knock egg sacks off the wall with broom and sweep those out too*

5ish minutes later I left the now clean room with the strangest thought in my mind...

"Will you serve me when spiders are involved? When you're afraid?"

So I assume today was a test from God about whether I would serve him when it involved my fears. 

Today, I served God through spiders. Hopefully now dead spiders. 

Tomorrow, well, I will serve God.

(After doing some research tonight, I've come to the conclusion that they were brown recluse. Really freaking out. Like, I don't know that I can sleep because I keep feeling spiders on me.)

Romans 2:1-4

 (I'm aware I skipped a passage. I have it written, but I also don't want to start an internet debate. If you would like to read it, I would be more than happy to send it to you; just leave me a comment!)

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Ohhhhhhhh... Paul's getting tough now. Slightly sassy.

God has revealed to me the extent of friendly fire within the church over this past year. I have begun to recognize that we have allowed this sin to multiply among us without restraint. And God used a very unique way to reveal this to me.

Her name is Rylee.

Rylee is unlike anyone I've ever met. I met her through Cru. She's a bit of a hippy, loves her tattoos and piercings, and is vegan/vegetarian. She has different opinions on politics and different standards of clothing and makeup choices. Honestly, at first, I was a bit uneasy around her because she wasn't the picture of the "good" Christian girl that's been painted before me. She was different than me. The temptation was to pass judgement on her simply because of how she appeared.

And yet, she's now one of my closest "heart friends", who I can feel completely safe and comfortable pouring out all my issues too. I don't have to be perfect around her. I know that I can message her at 2am with my heart burdened (and know that she'll still be awake 'cause I don't think she ever actually sleeps :P) With her, there is no judgement and no pointing fingers.

We get together and eat vegan pasta and cookies and watch Charlie Brown Christmas shows on Netflix and go buy cheap clothes at used clothing stores. We talk freely without fear of having judgement passed between us. I can confess my struggles (and even areas of sin) and know that she will stand with me to help and encourage me in conquering them.

If only all relationships were that way.

Sadly, not all relationships are like that. There are many people that I don't feel free to talk to because I'm afraid that a finger will be pointed at me, telling me how wrong I am to have a problem. There have been many times within my faith community where I have felt like I needed to pretend I was someone else out of fear of judgement.

I know that on many occasions, I have been the one doing the judging, and I am guilty of this as much as anyone else. But it HAS to stop! We cannot continue letting our churches be a place of fear!

A friend and I once discussed that the darkest places in our lives, the ones Satan targets the most, are the areas we are most afraid to talk about. To admit that one struggles with ______ is to allow the other person an opportunity to judge you. From personal experience, I know that this makes the problem so many times worse!

Do we forget, as Paul writes, "the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience"? Have we forgotten grace? Oh Father, may you bring us to a place where we love as you have!

In a world without judgement, there would be pure open community, rather than pretending. There would be Biblical confrontation of sins, rather than gossip. There would be many fewer issues, because fear would not keep us from seeking uplifting companionship. It would be beautiful.

Let's stop the friendly fire.